A geeky girl living in the big city, making her way, the only way she knows how... no wait, that's The Dukes of Hazzard. Who am I again? Oh yeah, a pop culture obsessed writer, publishing person, and occasional nerd. And I'm getting married. I talk about that, too.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Still thinking about this past weekend

I want to say there's been some exciting update since Sunday night, but the truth is... there's not. Nothing's changed.

I mean, on the plus side... nothing's changed. We're still emailing. Monday he was busy, and distracted with work and family health issues, so it was a very slow day, and of course I read so much more into that than was probably necessary. Today, at least, it's better. More emails, even if they're about totally innocuous things like the game and the other people on the boards.

But I feel like there's a whole substratum to my emails. Like, I want to say so much more to him. Want him to say something, anything, about Friday night. How I looked, that he enjoyed talking with me, that it was nice to finally meet... anything. And I'm catching myself in the notes I write to him, carefully wording every email, not wanting to scare him off again with some sudden move towards... what? intimacy? Actual friendship? So there ends up being these gaps -- whole thoughts and feelings and yearnings shoved into the spaces in my ellipses.

And I don't want that. I wish I could just wave a magic wand (which comes from listening to the soundtrack for Wicked, I'm sure) and turn this fake boy into something real. Into someone who'll talk to me, actually talk.

I guess I need to figure out what I'm going to do next. Move on. Find someone new. Someone real. God, though... I don't know if I want to. I mean, yes, of course I want something real. But this -- this was more than 3 months of flirtation, or foreplay, as it were. Is it wrong to feel like I've been teased unfairly? Wrong to not want to give up on that much invested?

I guess I don't really have a choice. I don't want to be alone forever.

Monday, March 28, 2005


So, I've been thinking about this for the last day and a half, once I could mull it over without wanting to burst into tears, and I figured the best way of doing this was to just write it out as best as I can remember it, follow it with some of the ideas I've heard floated about why what happened happened, and allow you to draw your own conclusions. And hey - if you come up with any startling new conclusions that make more sense of it than anything I've got here, please feel free to let me know.

So, Friday night, in Boston, I showed up with two of my friends at the Irish pub where Glow Boy and I had made plans to meet. He had written me previously, asking if I wanted to meet some of the other people I know through the game, and I said yes (as you may recall from my joyful "He wants me to meet his friends!" post). Last I knew, it would be him and about six or seven others. We joked about his posse outnumbering my own. When my girls and I arrived at the bar, the hostess had a reservation for 10 people, of which we were the first there. We took a seat at the bar, ordered the first of many ciders, and waited.

When the first people from Glow Boy's posse arrived, I knew it was them. One sported a Terry Pratchett-esque hat. (No links, sorry. I'm not in the mood.) They were about what I expected. But no Glow Boy. I suggested waiting at the bar until we were all there, but they wanted to sit, so we did. Shortly afterwards, the next part of Glow Boy's posse arrived, with the Boy himself. And we knew we weren't going to fit at the table where we'd been placed, so moved to a back room where there was more space.

And I met Glow Boy. Who didn't come up to me separately, or make any sort of special greetings, just sat down at one end of the table with his friends all around, while my friends and I sat in the middle of this group of strangers, making conversation.

They played guessing games with me, and I eventually put all the characters' names to the faces around me, even as I forgot half of the real names of the people sitting around me. But every once in a while I'd smile at Glow Boy, and feel a little more excited about this all. And his friends were nice, if far from suave, cool, New Yorkers. Rennies, if I'm being honest, and those of you who know the term know immediately the type of person I'm describing. But if I can steal M's analogy, Glow Boy was the Marilyn of their group. The odd pretty person (relatively) in a Munsters sitcom world. And me? Well, my friends tell me I was looking pretty swell, outclassing those around me. Whatever. I leave that for others to judge - I'm not trying to fish for compliments here.

Anyway, there was much conversation, and laughter, and people getting along, and seat-swapping, so that at a couple of points I was sitting closer to Glow Boy, which was nice. Eventually, we sorted out the bill, and most of us decided to stay for another drink. We moved from the table in the back room to the front of the bar, where my girls had moved earlier when Schmoopie and her Boston friends had arrived. I stood with Glow Boy and his friends, continuing our conversations, now standing shoulder to shoulder with him, occasionally trying to be couth about letting my hand dangle conveniently near his, or making some slight physical contact.

More time passed. Schmoopie and her friends left, and my girls decided to give me a little more space, and moved to a bar down the street. Shortly thereafter, Glow Boy and his friends decided they were leaving, and he took me aside, placed his arm around my shoulder, and crushed my hopes and dreams.

No, sorry, I said I would be all facts. He said that he was drunk, and they had a twenty minute or mile drive ahead of them, and his friend had his keys and was going to drive them home. And what was I thinking? "Well," I think I said, "I'm in Boston." (Basically, imagine me here throwing myself at him.) So then he said he had to get up early, and get a lot of stuff done early in the morning, and... gah, this is where I wish I had a phonographic memory. I don't know if I'm remembering what he said, what I thought he said, what other people have thought he meant, or what. But the gist of the conversation had me offering myself, and him saying no, using the few words I do remember, "I'm a whore." About himself, not me. Which I don't really understand.

So then he left, and I said goodbye to his few friends that stayed a little longer, and went off to find my girls and have a complete and utter emotional breakdown on Massachusetts Avenue.

So... possible conclusions. My girls think that he was scared, or overwhelmed, and brought a too-huge group of people with him in order to throw up a buffer zone, which he then had to deal with. There's also the theory that he was doing something nice, knowing he was drunk, and didn't have a hell of a lot of time before his plans the next day, and didn't want to have a rushed just-sex encounter. And clearly didn't get my way-too-obvious signals that maybe that would be fine. Friends with Benefits, I think the term is. My awesome roommate goes with the boys are shy theory, and maybe I scared him. Schmoopie thinks I should put myself out there more, and that I am so completely too good for him, and I need to find someone more appropriate for the swellness of me.

But maybe I'm not too good. The things these geeks were all about - they have a lot of that stuff in common with me. Ren faires and computer gaming, roleplaying and pop culture obsessions... hell, that is me. Or, at least, a part of me. So I think I fit in there. And yes, maybe ok I was floating on top of the pretty pool in their social circle, but what does that say about me that then I was rejected?

Well, not completely rejected. The girls seemed to like me, and gave me their cards to keep in touch. I always do manage to pick up the best women.

And maybe not rejected by Glow Boy either. I don't know. Maybe the timing just wasn't right. Maybe our next meeting will go smoother, if there is one. I want there to be another, I think. I mean, I don't want things to change now. I don't want to lose our email correspondence, and the little thrill I get when I get a message from him, and the interactions my character has with his character online in the game. At the same time, yeah, I want more. I'd love a "real" boyfriend. And I'm not going to whine here about why I don't have one, why I've never really managed to have one, and wonder just what the hell is so wrong with me, and what I'm doing wrong.

We had a couple of brief innocuous text exchanges on Saturday that came to nothing, and I'm sitting here now thinking about sending him another note. I don't want to play games, wait for him to make the next move. I was forbidden from apologizing to him for anything, told he should apologize instead. But sometimes I'm not even sure he has to.

Was this all just me putting so much more on a simple internet friendship? He warned me he has issues, and I ignored him, or said it was all cool, and played like I could handle it. Everyone has issues. Mine, apparently, is that I'm going to be alone forever, or at least until I can learn how to play this game. And the rules aren't written anywhere that I can find, and there's no macros to create that allow you to flirt and fight and fly at the same time. And the chat room is a hazardous place in which to lurk. And I've whipped this metaphor completely out of shape.

So that's it, as much as I'm able to put into words. Comments? I'm not going to promise I'll respond, but I'd welcome all your thoughts. I know I'm extremely lucky in my friends, if nothing else. And one of these days, I'll stop thinking that every song lyric I hear is applicable to me and my situation.

I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they learned to swim.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Met the f.i.b.

Well, that didn't go as hoped.

Friday, March 25, 2005

The stars align

It's today! No more waiting -- or at least, only until tonight.

And here's what my horoscope has to say about it:

Short form: Partnering up is what it's all about right now, and just in time for the weekend, too. Don't be surprised if your thoughts turn to someone who's quite a distance away from you.

Long form: You've never been known for waiting to buy something until it was on sale. Basically, you'll head out to get what you want the moment you set your sights on it -- and not a second later. So if there's someone out there in the world who's been on your mind lately, but lives more than a hop, skip and a jump away, you won't be willing to let a pesky thing like thousands of miles get in the way. Good for you. Get on the plane!

Glee! The stars are aligned!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

One Day More

So... contact in 1 and a half days. Yep. Me, f.i.b., and all our closest friends in an Irish pub together.

I had a dream about it last night/this morning. I tend to have the deepest, most vivid dreams between snoozes on my alarm clock. Of course, since the alarm was going off every nine minutes, I got interrupted right at the good part! (Meeting him, of course. Get yer mind out of the gutter!)

In other news, because if I only talk about him for the next day and a half, I think I'll go crazy, I went running in the park on Tuesday night, which was a gorgeous Spring evening, and hit the gym last night, since it snowed. Yeah, well, it's March. But otherwise -- go me!

Oooh! And I'm having dinner tonight with a friend from college who I haven't seen in AGES! She's in town just for the day. So looking forward to seeing her, and catching up.

And speaking of catching up... I guess I should do some work.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

4 Days and Counting

Countdown, T minus 4 days to F.I.B.

At least, I think that’s the count. Maybe it’s closer to 3 and a half days. 3 days. Hell, I don’t know. Suffice to say, I’m getting excited.

No, I was excited. I think now I’m getting anxious. I want to fill the next few days with a lot of stuff, so I don’t have hours and hours to just think about seeing him, meeting him. Gonna hit the gym tonight. Or no - since it’s so beautiful and spring-like today, I think I’ll go for a jog around the reservoir to start my annual training for the Revlon Run/Walk. I’m not registered yet, but as soon as I am, you know I’ll be hitting up all my friends and family members for donations.

And then maybe the Keelster will let me play on his computer.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Answers to all your questions revealed!

It's the first day of Spring, and I'm busting out all over with plans and ideas and things to say! So let's get cracking!

First of all, my friend Ana in Serbia sent me the following "get to know you better" questionnaire, and rather than just respond directly to her, I figured I'd post my answers for the intellectual gratification of my reading public. Here goes!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8:03 am, 8:12am, 8:21am, 8:30am, and 8:39am, or thereabouts, when I finally stopped snoozing my alarm and jumped in the shower, though not before checking my email. (Yes, I'm obsessive. I know. Get over it.)

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Everyone knows that.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I'm pretty sure it was "The Aviator." But the roomie and I rented "Shaun of the Dead" this weekend, which was, as all reports had claimed, hysterically funny.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Egg and cheese on a plain bagel.

6. What's your middle name?

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Probably Italian.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Vegetables. No, no, fine. Squirmy things: oysters, octopi, eggplant. Also, anything vegan, or part of that raw foods craze.

9. What is your favorite chip flavor?
This is a very European question, where I know the answer is supposed to be salt n' vinegar, or beefsteak, or some other flavor of potato chip. But I like to be contrary, so. . . white chocolate chip.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
American Idiot by Green Day. Makes me want to bop my head and be subversive.

11. What kind of car do you drive?
The number 6 Lexington Avenue local. Ok, not really.

12. Favorite sandwich?
I'm currently enamored of the chicken roll at my local pizza place, but a perennial fave is ham and cheese on a bagel. Or peanut butter and jelly. Or tuna fish.

13. What characteristics do you despise?
I have to go with Ana here and agree: genuine stupidity. But that's mostly 'cause I'm not so smart, and can't think of things on my own. Duh.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
Kicky shoes.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
So many places! A tropical island, where I could sit by the beach and drink frosty beverages, go snorkeling, and swing in a hammock. Cornwall, to explore. Ireland, to revisit some of my favorite places and discover new ones. Prague, Vienna, Berlin, and Budapest, to see what remains of old-world Europe. Manchu Pichu, because it looks ethereal.

16. What colour is your bathroom?
Mediterranean breeze. (It's light blue.)

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
Currently, Banana Republic. But I change my mind every so often.

18. Where would you retire to?
Retire? I wish! But I wouldn't mind having a house near a beach and a pub to sit in and write.

19. Favorite time of day?
Evening. After the hard work of the day is done, and there's nothing to worry about except relaxing, being with friends, enjoying some solitude, and getting ready for a good night's sleep in my big ole comfy bed.

20. What was your most memorable birthday?
Sure, I have some short term memory loss, but going out with friends last year for what was supposed to be a nice dinner, getting jerked around by the waitstaff and manager, and picking up our party of 12 to go to a local dive bar and BBQ joint, where they gave us 7 fishbowls full of alcohol.

21. Where were you born?
Westchester County, NY.

22. Favorite sport to watch?
Football, I guess, since I understand it a little better now that I've played some. Or, ummm… ice skating?

23. What fabric detergent do you use?
Whatever's in the house.

24. Coke or Pepsi?
Sigh. I gave them both up last year. But I used to be a Coke girl.

25. What makes you most happy about the world?
My friends.

26. What makes you most sad about the world?
Being alone in it, when I allow myself to feel morose.

27. What do you order at a coffee shop?
English breakfast tea.


So, there's that. A little more about me than you might have known previously.

In other news, I had a fun encounter this weekend with the swell guy who designed my rockin' new banner - to whom I should totally have given props to previously. Keen, you rocked my little website! Thanks!

Anyway, so he was online this weekend, playing the video game with me and Glow Boy and a bunch of other people/characters. At one point, after I referred to the aforementioned Glow Boy as "Glow Boy," and not one of my many other nicknames for him, Keen sent me a private message - "So, is this the guy you talk about on your blog?"

And my little worlds collided. I'd forgotten I'd given Keen the address of this site, which I'd otherwise figured was only known to a few friends. But, really, do I mind? No. Hell no. I'm tickled pink that anyone takes the time to read what I'm posting here. I'm a writer, after all. I want to be read. I was just a little shocked, I guess. Crash! Boom! Separate worlds, meet each other. But isn't that what this coming weekend is all about, anyway? I'm meeting Glow Boy. Finally. Face to face. And his friends. People that I've only talked to online, whom I'll finally be able to see in person, and in some cases, learn their real names. And I can't wait! MJ insists the countdown is on, and I guess it is. 5 days til I see him, see if this thing gets any better than an email correspondence.

So, Keen, yes. That's him. I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Monday afternoon ramblings

Sitting here at work on a quiet Monday afternoon, just looking forward to the end of the day. I was supposed to go out with a co-worker this evening to the movies, but when she cancelled this morning, I was rather relieved. I mean, I want to spend time with her, but after a hectic, busy weekend, I'm looking forward to having a night to just veg out and relax.

No CoH , even. Keeley's got a new game, Worlds of Warcraft (and yeah, I'm too lazy to link to it... oh, ok, fine. Here .) and he's eager to play it. And since his computer is the gaming one, I have to find other ways to occupy my time.

I have a movie borrowed from the library , so I'll likely settle on the couch with that, maybe read a submission or two for work. Or... brilliant idea! Actually go to bed early and catch up on my sleep. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm exhausted. I'm sure it's a result of my crazy weekend, which, since I haven't mentioned before...

Band tour bus.

Yep. Although no singing of "Hold me close, young Tony Danza," to my regret. And I met another person to see in Boston, a fellow Fenians fan named Kelly, who crashed at our apartment after her friend bailed on her at the concert.

And speaking of Boston... I want to say I'm in love. I'm not, I don't think. I mean, I can't be. I haven't even met the guy, officially, but it just feels so... exciting. So thrilling. So full of possibilities. We chat via email all day, and in between random comments, jokes, questions, and answers, he says things that make me want to pick up the phone and just talk to him. To really know him. To explain to him what I feel, and that I've never felt this way before. But I'm in that gooey phase of a new relationship (or so I've heard, having little practical experience of my own to draw on) when it all feels so fresh and exciting! When anything could happen, and you want it to. And of course, I don't want to freak him out or scare him off. Man, this dating thing is treacherous!

There's a weird thing happening where I see myself edging closer to my character in my Nanowrimo novel, who imagines all these fantasies about her life. Well, I can see all these things happening with Glow Boy, see all these scenarios going down. And no, I'm not just talking about sex. I had a - was it a dream? A daydream? A directed fantasy? - about not just meeting him, but meeting all his friends too, and being welcomed into their group. And I liked it. Of course I liked it. Who wouldn't? I guess I am just that cockeyed optimist I told him I was, seeing all the positives and not thinking about the negative.

I got another picture from him the other day, and was honestly a little relieved that he wasn't as cute as I first thought he was in the first photo he sent me. I mean, he's attractive. At least, I think he is, but it was a bit of a relief, really, to see that he's not the studly sex god I've sort of build him up to be in my mind. Seeing him in that photo, with a bad (well, not great) hairstyle, looking short - I was relieved. I'm not trolling for compliments when I say that seeing him there, I thought him completely within my... not grasp... within my reach... what's the word? I thought this was someone that wasn't too hot for me.

But I guess we'll see for certain next Friday.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Vegas Recap

Possibly you've been sitting at your computer for days, wondering how I got on in Vegas. Well, devoted readers of my blog (all five of you), fear not! I have returned, ready to dish some dirt.

Actually, I must save some of the dirt for others. Clearly, as in the case with any vacation of a number of people, not all the stories are mine to tell. And especially in a city that prides itself on its motto, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

So, just a couple of comments:

Dear Tom Jones,
Wow. What can I say, but Wow? Man, for an older guy, you've got game. Hope you don't mind if I'm never one of those women throwing panties and hotel room keys up on stage at you, but we had an awesome time at your concert anyway. And stellar backing band, man. Your horn section rocked.
Sincerely, ktbuffy

Dear House of Blues,
Great band Saturday night, guys, and I appreciated the scene. What I didn't appreciate was the lack of chairs. I mean, really, nowhere to sit? No bar stools, no ledges, no open tables tucked into corners for the paying audience. And you think this is acceptable? I'm only allowed to rest my feet if I'm a VIP, huh? Well, thanks but no thanks. First you take my bottle of beer and pour it into a cheap plastic cup, then you deny me a bar stool. Guess I'll go looking for my next beer somewhere else, thank you very much.
Regards, ktbuffy

To my gal pals and fellow Vegas adventurers,
Thanks for a lovely weekend. I would have loved for all of us to have been able to hang out together in the spa, but I'm certainly glad we went anyway. Fun with hockey boys - always entertaining! And yummy, amazing meals. Congrats to our big winners. Way to go!
Cheers, ktbuffy

There's more to say, I'm sure, but I'm getting hungry, so it must be lunchtime. Watch this space as March ticks closer and closer to St. Patrick's Day, the return of Schmoopie, and my real, live date with my fake internet boyfriend.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Pre-travel notes

Well, we've had the "In like a Lion" portion of this month's weather program, as yet another snowstorm hit NYC, and I've got my fingers crossed that we'll get the whole "out like a lamb" part too. I could use a little springtime. (No, not for Hitler.) In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to settle for...

Vegas, baby, Vegas!!

Me and the girls leave tomorrow morning for Sin City, for four days, three nights of fun, fun, fun! If we've played our cards right, part of that fun will include the one and only Tom Jones. Yup, Mr. "What's New, Pussycat?" himself. It's cheesy, but really -- it's Vegas. What else can you expect?

As to the rest of our weekend's activities -- why, who knows what we'll get up to? And who knows if I'll spill the beans when I get back. After all, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. As a tagline for travel, it's not quite as catchy as "Sex in a foreign country doesn't count" but it's close. And it covers much of the same territory, so there's that.

And how does Glow Boy feel about my upcoming debauchery in Vegas, baby, Vegas? Well, as might be expected, he was excited to hear about the Sirens show at Treasure Island, but then, so am I. I promised him a picture from it. But, you know, it's a little weird. If he were a real boyfriend, and not just a f.i.b., I could call him from there, but as it is, with our email-based correspondence... I have to stick to text messages. I mean, I could go cold turkey, but considering how well that went over this past weekend (and Schmoopie and M. can attest that it did not go all that well indeed), I think I want some kind of contact. I know I do.

Actually, though it's a bit off, we have made arrangements for a real, honest-to-goodness, face-to-face date on Friday, March 25th in Boston, or thereabouts. By which point we will have been chatting for almost three months. Which is a good long while. If it were a real relationship, it'd been one of my longest.

Which is a pitiful thought for this 32-year-old.

Dear Powers That Be -- Please help me turn this faux thing into something real. And ask him to send me an email, please, as I'm dying here! I'm addicted to hearing from him. What's wrong with me?