Still thinking about this past weekend

I want to say there's been some exciting update since Sunday night, but the truth is... there's not. Nothing's changed.

I mean, on the plus side... nothing's changed. We're still emailing. Monday he was busy, and distracted with work and family health issues, so it was a very slow day, and of course I read so much more into that than was probably necessary. Today, at least, it's better. More emails, even if they're about totally innocuous things like the game and the other people on the boards.

But I feel like there's a whole substratum to my emails. Like, I want to say so much more to him. Want him to say something, anything, about Friday night. How I looked, that he enjoyed talking with me, that it was nice to finally meet... anything. And I'm catching myself in the notes I write to him, carefully wording every email, not wanting to scare him off again with some sudden move towards... what? intimacy? Actual friendship? So there ends up being these gaps -- whole thoughts and feelings and yearnings shoved into the spaces in my ellipses.

And I don't want that. I wish I could just wave a magic wand (which comes from listening to the soundtrack for Wicked, I'm sure) and turn this fake boy into something real. Into someone who'll talk to me, actually talk.

I guess I need to figure out what I'm going to do next. Move on. Find someone new. Someone real. God, though... I don't know if I want to. I mean, yes, of course I want something real. But this -- this was more than 3 months of flirtation, or foreplay, as it were. Is it wrong to feel like I've been teased unfairly? Wrong to not want to give up on that much invested?

I guess I don't really have a choice. I don't want to be alone forever.