You say you want a resolution

I'm not good with New year's Resolutions. They always end up being things like "lose weight" or "go to the gym more" or "pay off my credit card debt," and really, what kind of fun is that? No fun, I tell you. The kind of fun that is not. But in the spirit of the season I will try -- only it's not a list of resolutions, per se. Instead, I present unto you my New Year's Revolutions:

1. To overthrow the government using nanorobots introduced into our nation's dairy cows, which will spread, over the course of a year, into every form of milk, butter, cheese, etc. My plan is flawless!! Unless the government is lactose-intolerant, of course.

2. To rewrite the space-time continuum. It's a silly law, and no really understands it. It's just cited all the time as a feeble excuse for not doing neat stuff -- "Oh, you can't go back in time and kill Hitler, it will throw the space-time continuum out of whack." Hooey, I say. Do it!

3. To dance like no one is watching. All.the.time. 24 hours a day. For like a week.

4. To take over a major motion picture studio, fire all the development people, and only get ideas from actual talented people, not peons who have to curry favor from weaselly bosses in order to become weaselly bosses themselves, whereupon they force their peons to get them coffee and pick up their dry cleaning. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, more good movies. Less "Cry_Wolf." More "Serenity." A sequel, perhaps.

5. To harness the power of the internet for true social change. Not just using a grassroots, high-tech medium to promote conversation about topics that are important to individuals, but, like, to start a worm that responds to every spam message sent with a highly contagious virus that wipes out the sender's hard drive, and that of 3 of his friends. Just in case THEY were thinking of asking me to help get their money out of Nigeria, too.

6. To gain one superpower through mutuation. Oh, no, sorry, wrong list. That's my list of New Year's "Evolutions."

Hmmmm, can't seem to find the rest of them. I'm sure they're here somewhere. Ah well, I'll let you know when I come across them. Or you can read it in the paper. I'm sure the major media will be covering my exploits this year with great interest.