I may, in fact, be crazy

Whoo! All done! After almost three full weeks of jury duty, I've completed my civic obligation, and can finally tell the tale.

Which is a long, and rather ooky tale to tell, so perhaps you'll forgive me if I don't spill it all here? Fact is, the crimes all took place in my neighborhood, which, while it doesn't make me feel any less safe, has made me a little more aware of my surroundings. And grateful that I live upstairs from a bar in that I know, no matter how late I could come home, that there would be people downstairs, and likely outside smoking. And more resolute, if god forbid anything did ever happen to me, to get the very best description I could get, and to fight back. It's amazing what they can do with DNA.

In other news... I did something a little new and different this weekend. Well, different-ish. And it's going to sound weird no matter how I say it, but I'm not writing this stuff down anywhere else, so if I can't put it here, where do I put it? *Sigh*

So I've been playing my superhero role-playing game for a while now. And it's way past the point where I'm just doing the missions, gaining levels, fighting bad guys, etc. Half the fun -- no, more than half the fun -- is in my interactions with other characters. With other people in how they play their characters. That's how the whole f.i.b. thing got started, though it moved pretty swiftly to something different. In game, however, my character and Glow Boy's were still going pretty well, until he wasn't able to be online quite as much, and we decided to explain the change in their relationship. So we did.

And afterwards, that said, my character is trying to move on with her life, and is doing so with two other characters. Yes, two. One is an older man she's known for a while (as I write this, I think I am more and more crazy, and I should probably just delete this entry and pretend I'm not some raving loon), with whom she's been mildly flirting. They went on a nice, sweet date on Saturday afternoon.

The other is sort of our group's bad boy. And they've done more than just "date", although that term itself is under debate, since he's convinced he's going to hurt her if she thinks this means anything more than just a physical relationship, and she's trying to convince him that that's all she's looking for right now. But it's interesting, because then he's really gentle...

And yes, I know... I'm psycho. But I thought the conversation they had was so good, and I know I put some serious thought into it -- asking myself what this 18 year old girl would be thinking, and how she would react to this guy -- and I can't post it as I did with the story Glow Boy and I wrote.

So, I'm putting it here, edited slightly. And because maybe... in some small degree... there is a part of me that thinks I could do with just a physical relationship, even if there's nothing more solid to tie to people together. Even if there's no other promises. But maybe I'm just kidding myself. And maybe so's my character. We'll see how it all unfolds.

Noelle Frost: Hey you.
Bad Boy: Why does your place have to be so completely impossible to get to?
Noelle Frost: Don't be silly, it's right next to the train.
Bad Boy: And really high up. Almost makes me think perfect breasts aren't worth it.
Noelle Frost: Bite your tongue
Bad Boy: bite it for me.
Noelle Frost: C'mere.
Noelle Frost tugs on his jacket
Bad Boy stumbles closer.
Noelle Frost looks up at him, and kisses him.
Bad Boy returns the kiss.
Bad Boy: Is this where I tell you what a bad idea this is?
Noelle Frost pulls back
Noelle Frost: I don't know. Is it?
Bad Boy: You know I can't give you what he could.
Noelle Frost: Maybe I'm not looking for that right now.
Bad Boy: Well if you're just looking to get your rocks off I'm your man. But if you're thinking about falling in love and all the fuzzy crap I'm unequipped.
Noelle Frost: Honestly... I had fuzzy. It hurt. I don't know WHAT I want, really, but I'm not looking for the exact same thing I had. Where's the growth in that?
Bad Boy: What do I know about growth.
Noelle Frost: You want me to answer that?
Noelle Frost grins
Bad Boy: go ahead
Noelle Frost: Well, there's a couple of different aspects. There's the emotional, and maybe that's something I'm dealing with on my own. And there's a kind of physical.
Noelle Frost snuggles closer to him
Noelle Frost: Maybe you know what I mean?
Bad Boy: That you like me cuz I'm cold?
Noelle Frost: I don't think so, no.
Bad Boy: Because I'm the opposite of him?
Noelle Frost: Is that what you think?
Bad Boy: What does what I think matter?
Noelle Frost: Assume it does, to me. What then?
Bad Boy: then you're wandering into trouble.
Noelle Frost: Because I care about what you think? I care about all my friends.
Noelle Frost pulls away again, and steps back, crossing her arms
Bad Boy: I rarely care about what I think.
Noelle Frost: That's you then.
Bad Boy: Unless it's something important like Nora being the devil.
Noelle Frost: ...
Bad Boy: what?
Noelle Frost: I don't know what to say to that, so i ... don't, I guess. What does that have to do with you and me?
Bad Boy: Um... it's an example.
Noelle Frost: ok
Noelle Frost: So you don't think, you just do. And that's not what's going on here, how exactly?
Bad Boy: That is what's going on here.
Noelle Frost: That's what I'm saying. We're agreeing. So what's wrong?
Bad Boy: you'll get hurt.
Noelle Frost: Look, I got hurt. Teen angst galore. And it had nothing to do with you.
Bad Boy: That makes it ok?
Noelle Frost: No, I'm just... trying to make a point, I guess.
Noelle Frost stumbles on, trying to think through her thoughts.
Bad Boy: Being an expert on hurt doesn't really help anything.
Noelle Frost: No, I know that. Except that I can be pretty damn sure I don't want to get hurt again. And if I want to go into something, for the fun of it, who's to say I can't? If I know that's what I'm getting into.
Bad Boy: What do you think you're getting into?
Noelle Frost looks shyly at him, at odds with her prior banter.
Noelle Frost: Something light and physical.
Bad Boy: Yeah cuz that never leads to anything else.
Noelle Frost: Look, If you want out now, before we go any further, tell me. No hard feelings. If you're basing your thoughts now on what might happen, I gotta tell you, I'm not looking to marry you. Or settle down again. Or be the perfect little supercouple.
Bad Boy: I know where this is going for me. I just don't want you getting all attached and upset when it finally falls apart. I got enough people pissed at me for things a lot dumber than breaking someone's heart
Noelle Frost: Babe, I learned my lesson. Things fall apart. And my heart? No offense, boyo, but I'm not sure I'll be ready anytime soon to put that out there again.
Bad Boy: I'm just making sure before it's too late.
Noelle Frost: You want me to promise I won't tell anyone? Then I won't tell anyone. This will just be something fun between you and me, if you want.
Bad Boy: I don't care who you tell, just don't say I didn't warn you when it falls apart. Or if you start caring and want me to do the same for some reason.
Noelle Frost: Fine. No strings. You do what you want, I'll do what I want.
Noelle Frost nods, emphasizing her point.
Noelle Frost: I won't do anything you don't want to do, how's that?
Bad Boy: It's not about what I want.
Noelle Frost: Jeez, what do you want me to say? You make me feel hot and horny and I don't care about anything else? And if someone else wants to take me on a date, I'll go? Will that make you ok?
Noelle Frost flops onto the couch.
Bad Boy: I just want you to understand that I can't have a real relationship. So, don't ever expect one, I guess.
Noelle Frost: Fine. Granted.
Bad Boy: grrr.
Noelle Frost: You make me very frustrated sometimes.
Bad Boy: why?
Bad Boy: What'd I do?
Noelle Frost: You can't seem to hear me arguing the same point you're trying to make.
Bad Boy: I don't believe you.
Noelle Frost: Grrr. How can I convince you?
Bad Boy: Don't think you can.
Bad Boy: It's because you're human, and a girl.
Noelle Frost: So then, you have to decide for yourself. Go with what I've said, accept what I'm telling you, and feel free to run whenever you feel the need.
Bad Boy: I was gonna do that anyway
Noelle Frost: or just run now.
Noelle Frost: All I'm saying is the choice is yours in the timing. I'm not keeping you here.
Bad Boy: ok, I was wrong
Noelle Frost: wanna be more specific, for the record?
Bad Boy: nah
Noelle Frost: fine
Bad Boy: you frustrated?
Noelle Frost: you gonna do anything about it if I say I am?

Ahem. And so on. It kinda sounds like a real conversation, doesn't it? The "my brain goes kerplooie" part is where I wonder if how much of that is really me, and how is "just" my character.